What If?

Cars seem to be where a lot of emotions happen. I can think of a number of times being in the car has been my pallet cleaner of sorts, a reset. To breathe deep into the present before walking into the house, to have a good cry, to blare nostalgic music, to have a long phone call with a friend. When you’re a mama sometimes a drive by yourself is the only space you get to simply exist and not be tugged on. Add a dreamy backroads route and you're all set.

Recently, just me & Ty headed out for a meeting out in the county. We had space to be & breathe. It was on the drive home from the meeting (with builders for a future tiny/container home) (more on this later) we both realized that with our life season, it's not the right timing to pursue this dream. We drove in silence, passing farmland, closed fruit stands, Trump signs, the typical things you might pass out in the county. The sun was setting and honestly so was my heart.

The week before I was hired for a super part-time job I really wanted. Nothing crazy spectacular, not a dream job, but it was a step towards a sliver of healthy independence from mama-life. Ty was in the midst of arranging his schedule, we’d barley need outside childcare. Then I got an email that the position had already been filled, a miscommunication I guess.

The silence broke with a “what if?” I had been lost in my thoughts & almost startled myself with my own voice. What if I took the time we were setting aside for me to take this job & I re-cultivated my photography and writing? These are things I’ve spent a decade just kind of flirting with; what if all these “close doors” was the universe saying nope until I looked within? What if? 

Just marinating in those “what ifs” honestly, at first, triggered the shit out of me.Then I put action to it. It's a very slow process & sometimes I’m super frustrated that I have limited hrs a week (un-interrupted). When I close my laptop for the day there’s more that just has to wait. I also know it’s not forever, there’s more space dedicated every week. I’m not really sure where it’s all going, I mean I have hopes & ideas, but for now I’m creating space for creativity. 

I’d encourage you to take a good drive, turn on something super nostalgic & maybe dare to ask “What if?” What rises to the surface?